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julysunsoul's Blog


back on ep stomping ground

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work is a joke..

Dear Mr. Area Manager,

Do you think I enjoying running a shop for 30p more than my sales assistants get?
Do you think its fair to take my manager and plonk him in another store, further away from his home where he doesnt know how long he has to be there for? Meanwhile, I'm trying to juggle things here. Deliveries not arriving, staff throwing tantrums and not turning up.
Our sales are bad? I wonder why!
How dare you humilate one of the supervisors in a meeting having to make himself explain why we are doing badly. I think you KNOW why we are doing badly.
I have no experience running a store for this length of time. Only knowing at the end of the week that my manager will be away for ANOTHER week.
What an utter joke.
You wonder why everyone is leaving? Maybe its because this business fails to treat its employees like human beings.

July

time to grow

my bf has been away for three days.
normally i wouldnt really bat an eyelid. he sometimes has shifts which mean i dont really see him till the weekend.
but it feels more empty here because i know. i know that he is not an hour away at work. he is not in the country. he is not in europe.
he is on the other side of the world.
i was really unhappy when t.a. decided to get him over to canada. i was really upset the night before he left. he didnt really want to go and i went to sleep quite tearful.
as the days clock through im finding that i am coping ok. work is well and truely keeping me occupied. verging on stressed there is very little else that i am finding time for right now.
i have been left in charge of a store for three weeks and it has definately been a learning curve.
a year ago i wouldnt have dreamed of trying to motivate a team of eight but i somehow seem to be managing.
the store has changed so much since being taken over by another company at the beginning of the year. every day i come in and something has changed, theres one more piece of paperwork to do, there are windows to install with manaquins that like to fall apart (dont ask - the bane of my life) and moody staff.
but in my heart of hearts, although i stress and curse and hate my way through the day, i can feel my body aching. like i am growing, pain stakingly.
like every obstacle overturned is a mile stone. like every small triumph makes things a little easier.
although i am left in an empty house with only myself for company, the growing is a GOOD thing.

(http://www.cccbrockport.org/pastorbruce/2008/02/)

so young so cruel

iv been emptying the crap out of my computer recently. after a virus scare i decided that i was going to get rid of all the rubbish and back up things properly.
problem is, you come across all sorts of things that have lain forgotten in the recesses of a hard drive. things that you didnt realise were actually saved...
like windows msn. did you know your pc saved conversations?
omg. trip down memory lane.
ok so i deleted the boring ones. ones that were just chatting and such. i singled out the ones that i had had with guys, and ended up with about five that i deducted were worth reading.

the first couple were from my best guy mate. this was before i got together with my current boyfriend. in hind sight i cant believe how stupid i was not to pick up on his advances. he was so blunt and i was so brutily vague about it all.
the problem is. when someone says 'i love you' on msn, it could mean anything. i could be like in a friendy sort of way. it could come across in a million different ways. but if you arnt expecting someone to say something like that you have to expect that it is just a 'friendly' i love you and not a serious statement. i guess i must have been thick or in denial.
actually i know what i was. i was in DENIAL. because conversations like those can be awkward.

other conversations were rather scandelous and sketchy. they have been deleted. i dont want them to be found by my dad :S

all in all iv managed to downsize my collection of files quite a bit.

a song to think about

When I look into your eyes,
its like watching the night sky,
or a beautiful sunrise,
theres so much they hold.
and just like them old stars,
i see that youve come so far.
to be right where you are,
how old's you soul?

i wont give up on us,
even if the skies gets rough,
im giving you all my love,
im still looking up.

and when you're needing your space,
to do some navigating.
i'll be here patiently waiting,
to see what you find.

cause even when the stars they burn,
some even fall to the earth.
we've got a lot to learn,
god knows we are worth it.
no, I wont give up.

i dont want to be someone who walks away so easily,
im here to stay and make a difference to that i can make,
our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake.
and in the end your still my friend at least we did intend,
for us to work we didnt break, we didnt burn.
we had to learn to bend without the world caving in,
I had to learn what i've got, and what im not.
And who I am.

i wont give up on us,
even when the skies get rough,
im giving you all my love,
im still looking up,
im still looking up.


feel better

feel better. but still not completely happy. saw the bf today, so i feel like i've had my fix for a bit.
staying over a couple of days next week cos i am working near by.
i guess its a mixture of being happy i've seen him and the g n t. either way i feel better than yesterday.
yesterday i just felt hormonal about the whole situation.
i know its about 10 times worse when you are tired and you've had a long day.
even though i dont feel the same now, im glad i wrote it down. writing stuff down makes it all feel SO much better.
think i might get some kip now. way past me bed time.
My mood: pretty tired

fed up

Me and my bf have been together nearly four and half years. I am in the process of trying to move in with him.

I am just feeling a bit fed up at the moment. I've just recieved ANOTHER txt saying he is working all weekend, when I was reaallly looking forward to seeing him.

He's been doing shift work and unsocial hours since last october. -And I would mind if it was just for a little bit, but its been pretty continuous these last couple of months and im tired of never seeing him for more than an afternoon at a time.
When we had started out we kept each other company the WHOLE weekend. I'd hang over there for a couple of days at a time, it was really nice and we still got to do everything that we needed to do, it was just a good time.

I dont feel we've had that for a long while.
now i feel an ache for it back.

i dont want to appear selfish, i just really miss it.
the worst thing is, is i dont think he really understands that. i feel like im being insensitive to the fact that he has a morgage to keep up with.

i havent decided whether to mention it or not.
half a mind not to say anything at all. i've had a long hard day.
think i will have a little cry instead..

on the edge

i sit back and survey my surroundings.
my room almost looks doll house small. like its a skin, surrounding my life and i have somehow grown out of it.
stripping it back, off of my body. perhaps im stretching my wings. maybe im stepping out as a butterfly.
the floor blurs into a sea of blueness. my toes stretched out infront.
i imagine im standing on the precipice of my existance. wobbling slightly. i am finding my feet.
what happens next is unknown territory. can i survive it?
my leap of faith.
My mood: very restless

hopes and fears

i've got the strangest kind of fear. its possibly as weird as hating buttons or being scared of flannels.
although i admit those are pretty weird things to be scared of.
my fear is of petrol stations. not of them themselves but of filling up my car...
yeah. i can see those raised eyebrows. weirdo  you are probably saying.
it sorta defys the point of a car, not being able to fill it up. :/
but if anything i think it stems from my bad experiences.
for example, every time i have filled her up in the two years i've had her, i've never been able to do it completely by myself. i've always had to get help from some stranger thats taken pity on me.
-and im not exactly sure whether its ME either. i mean on two of the most recent occasions, i have done everything i was supposed to but the petrol STILL wouldnt come out..
i've got to the stage where i dread my tank falling below half, because it starts me worrying about when would be best to fill her up.
wait until its dark. then there will be not so many people around. then if it goes wrong i can back out and try another pump with out making people angry.
its such a ridiculus thing to get freaked out about and im desperately trying to make myself go by myself but i keep finding 'excuses' for people to come with me.
me hopes i find out what the hell im doing wrong (supposedly) so this doesnt have to be so traumatic in the future.
blah. i have to be so bloody awkward dont i.

life is hard.

everytime you seem to be getting somewhere with things there is always something or someone to knock you back.
i've been after a full time job for ages and i finally get told i have got one to be told that i need to have a further interveiw? my manager wants me to be promoted but our area manager is being such a jerk about it.
seems to think i am not good enough, well.. he hasnt exactly given me a chance to proove myself has he.

i am going to fight for this job. i need this job.
it will be their loss if they dont give it to me.

hopped off the EP train for a while, but now im back with some welly!

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him

i miss him so much.
i want to be curled up with him, skin to skin. i want to feel his warm breath on my neck and his arms wrapped round my waist.
i want to feel our legs intwind and that blissful feeling that comes with just 'being'.
i need that feeling so much right now.
i cant face crawling into my little cold bed alone in this big empty house.


...

there is certainly an art to crying...
where your eyes fill up but balance precariously in your eyes, glistening like a bubble, as you try to tell yourself that you shouldnt be crying, there is no need to be crying and that it would be pretty embarrasing if anyone found out.
so i sit, and hope to high heaven that they dont teeter over the edge and start a long little journey from my cheeks to my chin.
but it is so inevitable. the more i cry, the more tears, the less space for those tears.
i just want to cry it all out now. because there are too many things going on in my head and it feels like i need a big pin to deflate my head before it explodes.
but i cant cry. because that will mean questions.

men!

i shrunk into my bf's passager seat today... i have never seen him having a er..rather verbal disagreement with someone before. i'm not completely sure the woman even deserved it. he really is all brute force and testosterone sometimes. i guess seeing him as a bf i didnt really think that he had that. clearly i am wrong.

i just really hope i dont bump into her again. i work there for gods sake, if she comes into the shop and recognises me..god knows! it would be pretty uncomfortable i expect.

it was all just because she blocked him in in the alleyway next to my work. she DID have a notice in the window saying where she would be, and she DID come and move the car for us.. but he was so ...so.. bullyish about the way he moved the car ramming it right up next to her bonnet as she was trying to reverse out onto the road. arggh it just made me angry.
i dont like upsetting people.
now i feel like i was a partner to the crime, that i didnt want to be part of.

too little too late

yeah... and im talking about me here!

i got my first car in dec 2009... nearly 6months after i passed my test. during those 6 months i had no practice.

i have now had my car ...nearly four months. i am still pretty terrified of driving.

i was expecting to be better by now. but i just cant let my self get behind the steering wheel.

when there is someone in the car with me i am fine -its just if i am by myself.

in an ideal world i would love to always have a driving companion. but...mum has been saying that she would kinda like to not have to escourt me everywhere for once. and i understand that. i DO.
 believe me i would like to be able to toddle around by myself.

now - i have only been managing to go out in it once or twice a week, but to be honest i dont exactly NEED a car anyway. (or is that just because im putting off driving again?)

i didnt want to learn to drive to start with. i didnt want to get a car. but each time my parents have been chivying me into doing something else.

im really sad that i am not a natural when it comes to driving. i feel bad because now they are saying that i might as well sell my car.

i would if it wasnt for the fact that i actually quite like my car. its just that because driving makes me so nervous it doesnt seem to be turning out to be all that cost effective.

im in a mess. fail.


...

man! why do problems and happiness always come together? :/

on another note.

iv been on jury service all week. 

its nice doing something different.

it is a very strange experience being in control of an outcome to something. where people really DO value your opinions.

it has made me realise how shite my pay is though. my employer has put me down for an average of £19 something a day (after taking off national insurance and tax). thats...pathetic.

hmmmph. i had a question put up on the main forum about my bf. i now feel bad. because they are making him out to be a jerk. and ...i really dont think he is. i know, the subject it WAS about did hurt me, because he wasnt thinking of me, but i dont think he is a jerk, he is a very nice loving man. im ashamed and confused.

...

i guess my thought processes at the moment could be imagined as someone looking for shells on a beach. maybe..sifting my fingers through the sand and broken glass, that have become worn jewls in the waves. trying to find a reason behind everything that is happening. grasping onto thoughts, turning them over in my hand, admiring the colours and textures...wondering whether to keep them or discard them. taking home the thoughts and keeping them.

(hand_shell.jpg, google pictures)


fat

why cant i be in a FAT mood? of all the zillions of different 'feelings' i can have on EP there is not a FAT one. WHY??????

yeah.. i blame it on the chocolate too!

its a question of....eat it all at once OR eat it slowly over a long period of time.

 

 

 

the chocolate told me to eat it. i darn't defy oh yummy ol chocolate egg....(s) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

 

(deviantart.com)


grrr!

Was watching Jeremy Kyle show this afternoon. Im not a mahusive fan like some people, but i am a curious being and feel that some of the pondlife that appear on the show are... almost unbelivable.

Unbelievably.. stupid. Not all of them clearly. Some of the storys are great like the reuniting ones annnd you know people getting over addictions and stuff, but sometimes i find some of the stories bizarre.


Anyway! I was watching one about a supposed couple with a 35year difference...which turned out to not really be a couple at all. The guy was sixty something and the girl was 25. Im not for the the age difference like that but each to their own..

It turned out she beat him, stole from him and basically used him. The poor bloke was in love with her and thought that she loved him. Yet - when she was on stage she said the most horrible horrible things about him and said it with no remorse AT ALL. Still the bloke stood up for her, told people not to boo her and said that she needed help.

This made me feel so so angry. How could that woman use him? How could she do that to that poor man who had a good heart and loved her no matter what she did? How could she just laugh it off, call him and old fart and make out that it was perfectly ok to steal and beat him?

I truely hope the guy leaves that horrible woman alone. All the way through he was saying that all he wanted was company because he was lonely, and that no body would want him now that he was older.

It almost breaks my heart to think that some people are capable of inflicting so much hurt and unhappiness on another. What makes her think she has the RIGHT to do those things?

Angry angry angry grrrrrr!


blessing and a curse

EP is great.

...

....

No, really it is.

It's just that it harbours an awful lot of depressed people and well... i dont come on here to get emo'd out.

i will support you, i will advise you, i will care about you.

but urgh.

seriously, attention seekers can take the next boat out of here.

suicidals, you stress me out.

 

where are all the happy people?


things about you :)

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1-20 of 47 Blogs   

Previous Posts
back on ep stomping ground, posted March 4th, 2014
work is a joke.., posted November 22nd, 2012
time to grow, posted November 19th, 2012, 1 comment
so young so cruel, posted March 13th, 2012, 1 comment
a song to think about, posted March 2nd, 2012
feel better, posted March 2nd, 2012
fed up, posted March 1st, 2012, 1 comment
on the edge, posted February 13th, 2012
hopes and fears, posted November 2nd, 2011
life is hard., posted August 16th, 2011
hopped off the EP train for a while, but now im back with some welly!, posted January 5th, 2011
him, posted August 21st, 2010, 1 comment
..., posted July 25th, 2010
men!, posted July 2nd, 2010, 1 comment
too little too late, posted April 19th, 2010, 1 comment
..., posted April 16th, 2010, 2 comments
fat, posted April 7th, 2010, 5 comments
grrr!, posted March 23rd, 2010
blessing and a curse, posted March 22nd, 2010, 1 comment
things about you :), posted March 15th, 2010
if, posted March 4th, 2010
high time, posted February 21st, 2010
uh oh, posted February 17th, 2010, 1 comment
tehe love quiz's..., posted January 17th, 2010
questions, posted January 3rd, 2010
some days.., posted December 27th, 2009
?, posted December 14th, 2009
just some thoughts..., posted December 5th, 2009
hoping, posted December 3rd, 2009
uh oh im turning into a green bean..., posted December 2nd, 2009
cant stand rejection, posted November 25th, 2009, 2 comments
i just cant stop dancing!, posted November 18th, 2009
more loops in lifes rollarcoaster..., posted November 17th, 2009
torn, posted October 14th, 2009, 2 comments
So*Stolen*Stuff, posted October 11th, 2009
sorry, posted October 3rd, 2009
a little rant, posted September 24th, 2009, 3 comments
i feel bad, posted September 2nd, 2009, 1 comment
a typical example of ignorance, posted September 1st, 2009
*sigh*, posted August 23rd, 2009
?, posted July 9th, 2009
i love this!, posted July 6th, 2009, 2 comments
Dumbo and his magic flying feather.., posted July 5th, 2009
My Life Experience Test, posted July 2nd, 2009
My Sexual Purity Test, posted July 2nd, 2009
I think, posted July 2nd, 2009
Why?, posted June 25th, 2009
im fed up, posted June 24th, 2009, 3 comments
is there a cure?, posted June 23rd, 2009, 2 comments
humph, posted June 18th, 2009
1-50 of 54 Blog Posts   

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